Almost exactly one year ago, I became a member of the Digg community. My life was perfectly fine beforehand, or so I thought. To me, Digg was just another news site, and I suspected I would occasionally scan it for interesting articles and then be on my merry way, giving Digg no more than five minutes of my time per day. Boy was I wrong!
Now, my life is forever changed. My eyes have been opened. I’ve swallowed the “red” pill. Before my Digg addiction, I was a happily married man in the early stages of my career, a fairly-devout Christian, a Windows-using Republican, and a technology enthusiast. I’m still a technology enthusiast, but since Digg overtook my life, a few things have changed.
For starters, Digg taught me that Microsoft Windows is a crap operating system, and Bill Gates is the anti-Christ. Or was it Steve Ballmer? One never knows…. So, I switched to Linux, but not just any Linux. The collective wisdom of the pre-pubescents who populate Digg informed me again and again that Ubuntu is the best Linux. Naturally, whenever I see any word resembling Ubuntu in an upcoming story, I froth at the mouth in a rabid digging frenzy! Ubuntu = Dugg. No other Linux matters.
With a change to my operating system came a change to my religion. Though I always had a few uneasy questions about Christianity, my faith was pretty solid. However, roughly 3 minutes after I joined Digg, I quickly learned how foolish I had been for ever believing in the possibility of an all-powerful divine force. On Digg, atheism runs rampant, and is growing in popularity every day. Soon the government will have to give us tax-exempt status as a bonafide religion! Oh wait.
Anyway, the strong faith in atheism at Digg has caused me to toss my old faith aside. I mean, that many utterly life-inexperienced 12-year-olds must be right. Right?
Additionally, the collective wisdom of the 12-year-old diggers emphatically informed me that Ron Paul is the savior of America. At first it seemed like Obama would be the choice, but the far-from-voting-age experts showed me time and again that Ron Paul would save me from the Neocons who want nothing more than to use me as cannon fodder in Iraq. Or was it Iran? One never knows…, but thank science that Digg showed me the “light” (or should I say “electromagnetic radiation of a wavelength?” One never knows….).
After a few months as a Digg member, I suddenly found that my attention span had shrunk to a maximum of about 4 seconds. More and more, I found that I could not concentrate on tasks at work, and found that my main work productivity included 4-second skims of articles on Digg (plus the subsequent digg, of course). Nevermind that I could never read entire articles – I could rely on the intelligent and profound Digg comments to give me the facts.
These mental changes took a toll on my life. First of all, I was fired from work. Apparently reading Digg doesn’t benefit the company. It doesn’t matter – they’re all a bunch of Giuliani lovers, I bet). My wife left me soon after that. Apparently she was incapable of understanding my lifelong goal of “digging” for 22 hours a day. She didn’t like my newfound faith in atheism either, but it’s her loss.
With my lost income and lost wife, I decided to move back into my parent’s basement. I feel comfortable here, and no one persecutes my faith (or lack thereof). Sure, I miss my wife at times, but I can always rely on Digg to comfort me. There, see! There’s a video of Israeli women in bikinis! I digg Kosher babes. Ah, Digg, I can always count on you. Seeing a video of a woman is almost like being with a real woman, provided that I shut my eyes and… pretend.
Finally, I live in constant fear of taser-happy police, feel that the US will become a “police state” in 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…, unless Ron Paul can valiantly charge in and save us. My newfound anxiety keeps me from leaving the comfort of my parent’s basement without carrying a video camera at all times. You never know when those bad cops are waiting to pounce (or is it Pownce? One never knows….)!
That’s ok. I really don’t mind my self-imposed, jobless, womanless, solitude. After all, I still get plenty of excitement just by hanging around Digg. There’s enough stories about Linux, atheism, and Ron Paul to keep me dancing, drooling, and writhing in a Bacchic fit for hours. Plus, all the old internet jokes and pictures are cool again!
Thanks Digg! Kevin Rose is my hero!
If you cannot tell, this article is a complete satire, a fabrication, a creative indulgence. Or, to put it into Digg-speak: FAKE!!!!11!!! Its teh shopped!!!!
Oh, I really do like Ron Paul, though. Promise. 🙂